Ok, anyone who knows me now knows that I eat possibly too much, but I eat healthy, regularly and I’m pretty much my ideal weight and size. However, this picture above is me after a year long binge on fast food… pretty much. I’ve also crash dieted, fallen out with food (I’ll explain), struggled with my weight and pretty much everything under the book.
I don’t feel like I’m well versed enough to give advice to any of you, I really don’t want to lead any of you down the wrong path. But, what I will do is tell you my story, let you know all the downfalls in my story. Not so you feel sorry for me, but so you know it does get better. Yes, I still have my down days, and sometimes I have no appetite or all the appetite… but it really does.
My difficulty with food all started when I was 16 and suffered with severe Gastritis – stomach ulcers – and not only does this cause unbearable pain (especially when you eat) but it can also cause severe loss of appetite. I slowly but surely started eating less and less. Being the person I am, I kept up appearances (especially to my rents), but I was seriously struggling to face eating food.
I came to associate food with pain. Every time I ate any sizeable meal I was in excruciating pain. I feared it. And, pile on top of that, I didn’t really want it.
During this time of not eating as much I obviously lost weight. I was not at all confident in who I was (as most teenagers nowadays unfortunately are not) and I began to associate not eating food with losing weight. So, once I had received the relevant medical help for my stomach issues, I then had that mental block and desire to not eat food.
When I was 17 I started working at McDonalds, and trust me, you cannot be hungry and work with food… that just does not work! Worryingly, and rather frustratingly, this is actually what got me back into eating. Working with food all the time just does make you hungry, and before you know it, I was eating again.
However, in the Summer between 1st and 2nd year of Uni, I worked there 5 days a week for 3 months, and then I got into a relationship in which we basically only ever seemed to eat Chinese, Fish and Chips and Ice Cream… kinda terrifying really. I then piled weight on, I hated myself. It was a kind of feeling I hadn’t experienced for years. Somehow, it’s unintentionally bred into us that self worth has to do with your weight. A fact I know is very wrong by the way, but when you’re in that frame of mind, no one is going to tell you otherwise.
I then crash dieted… I learnt very quickly that me and dieting do not get on… but I tried. I cut out carbs, I calorie counted, I obsessed over numbers and digits and became obsessive over measuring the size of my waist, hips, legs, you name it. I actually remember having numbers written on the mirror in my room. Nothing was more satisfying than watching the numbers slowly go down, and nothing was more terrifying than seeing those numbers go back up again.
I eventually became so obsessed with numbers and digits I actually got really ill. I won’t go into that right now, but it woke me up. Still not happy with my weight, I decided to do it the proper way; eat relatively healthily, but still with regular treats, go to the gym and do gentle but regular workouts, and walk EVERYWHERE. And before you know, I lost weight, and gained a healthy relationship once more with food.
I just want my story to be a sign that things can get better and it’s not all grey skies. Be strong and it all gets better in the end
Read Katerina’s thoughts on her blog: katsomething.com