So today we’re getting all personal, and I’m telling you about something very personal that I don’t often talk about, and something I have kept very close to my heart. However, I mentioned it briefly in my Reverse Bucketlist but I thought I would devote an entire blog post to one of the biggest periods of my life.
I am a recovered self-harmer, and I have fought my own battle with depression.
I feel like that’s the biggest secret of my life. While many people in my life know – family, friends, boyfriend – most people I meet I never mention this entire chunk of my life. I mean come on, it’s not something you just casually drop into a conversation; ‘oh yeah, by the way I spent most of my A-Levels battling with myself in a way you could never understand’ – sure that’d go well.
I had always planned some long intensive post about my entire story played out in my life, the experiences I had, the things people used to say to me that annoyed me, my time in hospital, my time with CAMHS (a counselling service via the NHS in England) and all that jazz. But to be honest, just telling you about this section of my life is enough right now. If there is anything specifically you want to know about, let me know down below.
Essentially, I struggled with a lot of moral dilemmas, personal hatred (seriously being a teenager in this world is hard!) and my parents very sudden divorce (like literally we were playing happy families one day, and the next we were sat round the kitchen table with mum telling us she was leaving…).
I feel like fighting mental illness is something that should be talked about. If I was in remission (from cancer) it’s something everyone would cheer about, and something we all shout from the roof tops about. Depression, mental conditions, and basically anything we can’t understand gets dismissed as ‘not real’ or something we put on. However, it’s just as life threatening, and I feel like it’s just as big an achievement to get over it – because it’s not something you fight with medication (at least I didn’t, the only medication I took were some hormone replacement sleeping tablets), it’s something you fight with strength, determination and a very long journey of learning to love yourself.
Yes, while I still have down days, and sometimes Kevin comes home and finds me curled up on the floor crying, and I still have retained a large amount of paranoia. However everyone has their down days, everyone has those moments when they look at themselves in the mirror and sees things they wish they could change.
Today I can be happy to say I actually can’t remember the last time I self harmed, I love myself enough to give myself all the food I need, head to the gym, wear clothes that even show off skin (not like insane cropped tops, but I mean shorts, or vest tops, or that sort of thing), and sometimes I even look in the mirror and think I look good!
This blog is my part of the internet to share with you my thoughts and opinions on life, beauty, University, fashion, hair and everything. But essentially, this is me, and I wanted any of you out there to know you are not alone, and it does get better. You never truly forget, but you learn to live with yourself, and eventually even love yourself.
Let me know down below if there is anything you want me to talk about – be it advice, personal experience, or anything!